In half of all relationships the power balance is unequal — here’s why that can lead to infidelity.
Couples doing this were less likely to argue and were more committed to each other.
Couples doing this were less likely to argue and were more committed to each other.
Small acts of kindness are one of the simplest ways to improve a relationship, psychological research finds.
Making a cup of coffee, being respectful, showing affection and being forgiving are easy ways to demonstrate generosity.
Partners who are generous to each other are less likely to argue, to divide housework fairly and to be more committed to each other.
Generous people are seen as more desirable partners.
Being generous also benefits the person being generous: it makes them feel more satisfied with the relationship.
The study analysed data from a US survey of almost 3,000 married couples aged 18 to 45.
They were asked about their marital conflict, the potential for divorce and the generosity of their partner.
The study’s authors explain the results:
“…spouses’ reports of generosity toward the participants were associated with participants’ reports of marital quality.
Specifically, spouses’ generosity was positively associated with participants’ reports of marital satisfaction and negatively associated with participants’ reports of conflict and subjective
divorce likelihood.”
Being generous benefited both partners, the study showed:
“We also found that participants’ reports of behaving in a generous fashion toward their spouse were linked to their own reports of marital quality.
The extension of generosity toward the spouse was positively related to their own reports of marital satisfaction and negatively associated with their own reports of conflict and subjective divorce likelihood.”
In fact, wives seem to get a particular benefit from being generous to their husbands, the study revealed:
“…wives reported lower levels of marital satisfaction when they also reported low levels of generosity toward their spouse.
These findings were robust to the inclusion of spousal
reports of generosity in the same model, and
they were present in all four types of analyses.”
The study was published in the Journal of Marriage and Family (Dew & Wilcox, 2013).
From optimism to non-conformity: what makes a personality truly captivating?
Certain types of anxiety can cause massive ups and downs in relationships.
Certain types of anxiety can cause massive ups and downs in relationships.
Partners who have attachment issues cause considerable instability in their relationship, research finds.One type, known as ‘attachment anxiety’ by psychologists, involves see-sawing feelings.It is the same reason that babies cry when they are taken from their mothers.Around one in five people have an anxious attachment style.A classic sign is having wildly varying feelings about the relationship from one day to the next.People experiencing attachment anxiety spend a lot of time thinking about what the other person wants.They can easily move from feeling strongly attached, to wanting independence.Ms Ashley Cooper, the study’s first author, said:“For people anxious in their attachments, they have anxiety as to whether the person is going to be there for them and whether they are worthy of others.I was interested in how attachment security impacted partners’ experiences in their relationship on a daily basis.Some couples experience instability from one day to the next in their relationship, so we sought out to explore what could increase or decrease this volatility.”The second problematic type is attachment avoidance.This is someone who wants to avoid getting too attached to the other person.Around one in four people has an avoidant attachment style.High levels of attachment anxiety are linked to more ups and downs in the relationship, while avoidance is linked to low relationship satisfaction.The study of 157 couples — half of whom had been dating for two years or less — found that high attachment avoidance in one partner was linked to low relationship satisfaction for both.Ms Cooper said:
“For the average person, stay attuned to what your partner is saying and avoid making assumptions that can escalate conflict.Trusting in your partner and your relationship is important to daily interactions and stability for your relationship.”The study was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (Cooper et al., 2017).
Learning these two skills will help your relationship last.
Learning these two skills will help your relationship last.
Forgiveness is one vital skill for improving relationships, research concludes.
The other is enhancing relationships through positive thinking and behaviour, both together or individually.
This includes talking about the relationship in a positive way and doing fun activities together.
Learning these skills — forgiveness and enhancing the relationship — will help the partnership last.
Managing conflict is often done when the relationship is under threat, explained Dr Brian Ogolsky, the study’s first author:
“Threats to the relationship come from all kinds of different places.
Generally, there are many threats early in relationships that can cause problems, but that is not to say that these disappear later.
We know couples cheat in the long-term, people end up in new workplaces and in new situations where possible alternative partners show up, conflicts arise, or a lack of willingness to sacrifice time for your partner emerges.”
The key is forgiveness, said Dr Ogolsky:
“Good conflict management or forgiving our partner for doing something wrong is an interactive process.
When a threat comes in, we can do one of two things: we can ditch our partner or forgive them over time.”
Alongside conflict management, both partners need to be working on improving the relationship.
Dr Ogolsky said:
“Individually, even the act of thinking about our relationship can be enhancing.
Whereas engaging in leisure activities together, talking about the state of our relationship, these are all interactive.”
Well functioning relationships are a state of mind:
“We are doing something to convince ourselves that this is a good relationship and therefore it’s good for our relationship.
Things like positive illusions, the idea that we can believe our relationship is better than it is or that our partner is better than he or she is.
We can do that without our partner.”
The conclusions come from a review of around 250 separate studies on relationship maintenance .
The study was published in the Journal of Family Theory & Review (Ogolsky et al., 2017).
Forget the old rules—these studies reveal what really matters in relationships.
Think your partner getting attention boosts your bond? Think again — it may do the opposite.
Be aware of the two most harmful relationship patterns.
Be aware of the two most harmful relationship patterns.
People who expect their partners to read their minds are harming their relationships, research finds.
It occurs when there are problems in the relationship and one person disengages and does not communicate their problems to the other.
It often happens when that person is anxious about the relationship and feels neglected.
Anger and negative communication often result from expecting the other person to be a mind-reader.
Dr Keith Sanford, who led the study, explained:
“You’re worried about how much your partner loves you, and that’s associated with neglect.
You feel sad, hurt and vulnerable.”
Expecting the other person to be telepathic is one of the most toxic ways that people disengage psychologically from a relationship.
The other is type is withdrawing.
Dr Sanford said:
“It’s a defensive tactic that people use when they feel they are being attacked, and there’s a direct association between withdrawal and lower satisfaction overall with the relationship.”
Withdrawing when attacked by your partner complains or criticises is extremely common.
Dr Sanford said it is…
“…more characteristic of unhappiness.
Just about everyone does that from time to time, but you see more of that in distressed relationships.”
Partners who psychologically withdraw from the relationship are more likely to be disinterested or bored with the other person.
Dr Sanford said:
“There’s a desire to maintain autonomy, control and distance.”
While one person makes demands on the relationship (often, but not always the woman), the other person disengages, Dr Sanford said:
“Often, you have one person who withdraws and the other demands.
The more the one demands and complains, the more the other withdraws, and so on.
It’s an issue both of being aware of when these behaviors are occurring and of finding an alternative — a more constructive, polite approach to resolve conflict.
And at times, that’s easier said than done.”
The results come from surveys of thousands of people in relationships.
They answered questions about relationship conflicts, how they responded and the emotions that resulted.
The study was published in the journal Psychological Assessment (Nichols et al., 2014).
Up to 50% of people admit cheating on their partner.
Up to 50% of people admit cheating on their partner.
People who are low on conscientiousness are more likely to cheat on their partner, research finds.
People who are not conscientious are careless, badly organised and find it hard to resist temptation.
People who are more extraverted are also more likely to cheat on their partner, the researchers found.
It is probably because extraverted people have a wider social circle and so more opportunities to cheat.
Also, extraverts are impulsive, sensation-seekers who can easily succumb to their desires.
The conclusions come from a survey of 208 people, who were asked about their relationships and whether they had cheated.
Up to 50% of people admit cheating on their partner, the authors write:
“Early studies reported that by the age of 40, 50% of all married men and more than 25% of all married women have engaged in extramarital sexual behavior.
Three decades later, an estimated 50% of men continued to engage in sexual and/or emotional extramarital relations while 40% of women engaged in similar relationships.”
The results of the study revealed that cheaters tend to be low in conscientiousness, extraverted and open to experience.
Extraverts tend to seek out stimulation, the authors write:
“Extroverts may be inclined to cheat to obtain stimulation and prevent boredom.
Extroversion may also facilitate less investment in the relationship when those with this trait seek out others for stimulation, thereby decreasing commitment and resulting in cheating behaviours.”
The third personality trait associated with infidelity is openness to experience.
Openness to experience is linked to intellect and creativity.
The authors explain:
“…cheaters may perceive themselves as having stronger intellect and stronger creativity compared to that of their partners, leading them to seek out partners that may be a better, that is, similar, match.”
The study was published in the journal Current Psychology (Orzeck & Lung, 2005).
When negative feelings accumulate in a relationship, it can become a problem.
When negative feelings accumulate in a relationship, it can become a problem.
Couples are often poor at knowing when their partner is sad, lonely or a little down, research finds.
Instead couples tend to assume their partner feels the same way as they do.
Asking “How are you feeling?” and working on ’empathic accuracy’ could improve the relationship.
Dr Chrystyna Kouros, who led the study, said:
“We found that when it comes to the normal ebb and flow of daily emotions, couples aren’t picking up on those occasional changes in ‘soft negative’ emotions like sadness or feeling down.
They might be missing important emotional clues.”
The results come from a study of 51 couples who kept daily dairies about their moods and those of their partner.
By comparing them, researchers were able to see how accurate each person was at empathising with the other.
The results showed that the relatively subtle ups and downs were hard to identify.
In contrast, strong positive or negative feelings were easy for partners to spot.
Dr Kouros said:
“Failing to pick up on negative feelings one or two days is not a big deal.
But if this accumulates, then down the road it could become a problem for the relationship.
It’s these missed opportunities to be offering support or talking it out that can compound over time to negatively affect a relationship.”
Sadness and loneliness were particularly difficult to read, the researchers found.
Dr Kouros said:
“With empathic accuracy you’re relying on clues from your partner to figure out their mood.
Assumed similarity, on the other hand, is when you just assume your partner feels the same way you do.
Sometimes you might be right, because the two of you actually do feel the same, but not because you were really in tune with your partner.”
Asking “How do you feel?” all the time quickly gets irritating, but a little communication can’t hurt.
Dr Kouros said:
“I suggest couples put a little more effort into paying attention to their partner — be more mindful and in the moment when you are with your partner.
Obviously you could take it too far.
If you sense that your partner’s mood is a little different than usual, you can just simply ask how their day was, or maybe you don’t even bring it up, you just say instead ‘Let me pick up dinner tonight’ or ‘I’ll put the kids to bed tonight.’
If there’s something you want to talk about, then communicate that.
It’s a two-way street.
It’s not just your partner’s responsibility.”
The study was published in the journal Family Process (Kouros et al., 2018).
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