Category: Relationships

1,523 pairs of friends and lovers were asked about their personalities, prejudices, values and attitudes.

People look for similarity in both their friendships and romantic relationships, research finds.

In a partner, people want someone with a similar personality, similar attitudes and values.

Similarity equals compatibility because couples do not change that much over the years.

That is why opposites generally do not attract — it is a fantasy that you will be able to make major changes to another person.

So, when two people meet for the first time, they are trying to work out what they have in common.

Any differences are only likely to be magnified over the years.

Dr Angela Bahns, the study’s first author, said:

“Picture two strangers striking up a conversation on a plane, or a couple on a blind date.

From the very first moments of awkward banter, how similar the two people are is immediately and powerfully playing a role in future interactions.

Will they connect? Or walk away?

Those early recognitions of similarity are really consequential in that decision.”

The conclusions come from a study in which 1,523 pairs of friends, lovers and mere acquaintances were asked about their personalities, prejudices, values and attitudes.

The results showed that people’s qualities did not converge over the years.

Instead, people choose to be friends and lovers with those who were already more similar to them at the outset.

Dr Bahns said:

“Anything that disrupts the harmony of the relationship–such as areas of disagreement, especially on attitudes, values, or preferences that are important–is likely to persist.

Change is difficult and unlikely; it’s easier to select people who are compatible with your needs and goals from the beginning.”

One should also pursue relationships with dissimilar people, though, said Professor Chris Crandall, study co-author:

“Getting along with people who aren’t like you is really useful.

Friends are for comfort, taking it easy, relaxing, not being challenged — and those are good things.

But you can’t have only that need.

You also need new ideas, people to correct you when you’re loony.

If you hang out only with people who are loony like you, you can be out of touch with the big, beautiful diverse world.”

The study was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Bahns et al., 2016).

It reduces the chance of conflict and makes both partners feel good.

Being responsive is the key to improving relationships, research finds.

Responsiveness means more than just listening, it is being tuned in to your partner’s needs and feeling compassion.

The most powerful way of being responsive is firstly, listening to and understanding what they are going through and secondly, responding with sympathy and compassion.

Responsiveness creates a sense of validation and feeling cared for.

Responsive partners make each other feel safe and stable.

For the study, 91 couples discussed stressful aspects of their relationship and how their partner responded.

The results showed that understanding your partner was not enough, they also needed to be concerned.

Dr Lauren Winczewski, the study’s first author, said:

“When people were empathically accurate — when they had an accurate understanding of their partner’s thoughts and feelings — they were more responsive only when they also felt more empathic concern, more compassion and motivation to attend to their partner’s needs.

People might assume that accurate understanding is all it takes to be responsive, but understanding a partner’s thoughts and feelings was helpful only when listeners were also feeling more compassionate and sympathetic toward their partner.

When listeners had accurate knowledge but did not feel compassionate, they tended to be less supportive and responsive.”

Being responsive has been repeatedly shown to reduce stress, improve the emotions and boost self-esteem.

Dr Winczewski continued:

“You can know very well what your partner is thinking and feeling — maybe you’ve heard this story 17 times, the fight with the boss and so on — but if you don’t care?

Having accurate knowledge in the absence of compassionate feelings may even undermine responsiveness.”

Over time, people build up a picture of their partner’s responsiveness from many small interactions.

Dr Winczewski said:

“People use these kinds of interactions as diagnostic of their partner’s motivation and ability to respond to their needs.

‘If that’s how you’re responding to me now, is that how you’ll respond to me again in the future?’

Over time, you may build trust in your partner’s responsiveness or you may start to wonder if your partner is even willing, let alone able, to respond to your needs.”

The study was published in the journal Psychological Science (Winczewskiet al., 2016).

Over 60% of people have been involved in this type of relationship.

Relationships that involve repeatedly breaking up and then getting back together are linked to poor mental health, new research finds.

These “on-again, off-again” relationships are associated with increased depression and anxiety, as well as worse communication, less commitment and more abuse.

Over 60% of adults have been involved in this type of unstable relationship.

Around one-third of cohabiting couples report breaking up and getting back together at some point.

Dr Kale Monk, the study’s first author, said:

“Breaking up and getting back together is not always a bad omen for a couple.

In fact, for some couples, breaking up can help partners realize the importance of their relationship, contributing to a healthier, more committed unions.

On the other hand, partners who are routinely breaking up and getting back together could be negatively impacted by the pattern.”

The conclusions come from a study of 545 heterosexual and homosexual couples.

The results showed that male-male relationships had the highest rate of ‘cycling’ (on-again, off-again), while female-female and heterosexual couples were similar.

However, whether heterosexual or homosexual, cycling relationships were linked to higher depression and anxiety.

Dr Monk said:

“The findings suggest that people who find themselves regularly breaking up and getting back together with their partners need to ‘look under the hood’ of their relationships to determine what’s going on.

If partners are honest about the pattern, they can take the necessary steps to maintain their relationships or safely end them.

This is vital for preserving their well-being.”

Dr Monk provides some pointers for people experiencing cycling relationships:

• Consider the reasons you broke up in the first place when thinking about getting back together. Can they change or are they permanent?
• Talk about what is leading to break-ups with your partner — this can be illuminating.
• Why might you consider getting back together — are they the right reasons?
• Remember that it is OK to end a toxic relationship.
• Counselling is always an option.

The study was published in the journal Family Relations (Monk et al., 2018).

How income affects whether people cheat on their partner.

People who earn less than their partner are more likely to cheat on them than those earning equal amounts, a study concludes.

Men may be more tempted to cheat in this situation because they feel threatened by their partner’s income.

However, men earning much more than their female partner are also more likely to cheat than those earning equal amounts.

Similarly, women were more likely to cheat when dependent on their partner — although not if they earned more.

Explaining the findings, Dr Christin Munsch, the study’s author, said:

“At one end of the spectrum, making less money than a female partner may threaten men’s gender identity by calling into question the traditional notion of men as breadwinners.

At the other end of the spectrum, men who make a lot more money than their partners may be in jobs that offer more opportunities for cheating like long work hours, travel, and higher incomes that make cheating easier to conceal.”

The conclusions come from a study of 18- to 28-year-old married and cohabiting couples.

All had been married for at least one year.

The results showed that men whose income is either significantly higher or lower than than their female partner are more likely to cheat on them.

Men who were most faithful generally had partners who earned around 75% of their own income.

In the six month period of the study, 3.8% of men reported cheating on their partner, while 1.4% of women reported cheating.

Women who earned more than their partners, though, were actually less likely to cheat on them.

The study was published in the journal American Sociological Review (Munsch et al., 2015).

This toxic pattern can ruin your relationship — unless you learn to deal with it.

The most toxic relationship pattern is called a ‘demand-withdraw’ pattern, psychologists find.

It is where one partner makes criticisms, complaints and requests, while the other withdraws, or gives them the silent treatment.

The best way of dealing with this pattern is by accepting and validating the other person’s identity.

This is done through improving communication.

Men should listen and understand their partner, while women should reduce their negativity and hostility.

When both partners can communicate problems and feel they understand each other, their marital satisfaction is higher.

In the ‘demand-withdraw’ pattern, often the partner making the demands is the woman and the partner withdrawing is the man, although it is damaging to both either way around.

Instead of withdrawing from conflict, men should try to hear and acknowledge their partner’s issue.

Hearing the issue, and at least trying to understand it, makes the other person feel validated.

Women, meanwhile, should concentrate on reducing the hostility and negativity of their communication — both of these only make men withdraw into their shell.

It is better to bring up issues as neutrally as possible so they can be heard.

The importance of being understood in a relationship was confirmed by a study of 53 married couples.

The study’s authors explain their results:

“The demand/withdrawal interaction pattern significantly decreases both spouses’ perception that they are understood.

An issue that one spouse sees as important and in need of discussion is not simply met with dissent, it is met with indifference.

The issue-pursuing spouse is left to feel as though his or her vision of what is important, real, and valid is dismissed as insignificant.”

The key to a successful relationship is that both partners accept and validate the other person’s identity.

The study’s authors explain why verifying your partner’s identity is so important:

“First, people tend to be attracted to those who verify their self-image.

Second, those who are skilled in maintaining their partner’s desired identity are rewarding relationship partners.

Third, the expectation that partners will accept and understand each other is a defining characteristic of intimate
relationships

Finally, trust develops in close relationships, in part, as a result of mutual verification of partners’ identities…”

The study was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (Weger, 2005).

Both personality and relationship history were important in whether people cheated on their partner.

Feeling detached from their partner and having low satisfaction with the relationship are among people’s top reasons for cheating, a study shows.

Availability of another suitable partner is also a crucial predictor of whether people cheat or not.

Factors that surprisingly did not have much impact were relationship commitment and length, the University of Queensland study found.

Both personality factors and relationship history were also important in whether people cheated on their partner.

People who are more impulsive were more likely to cheat.

Impulsive people tend to act on their immediate thoughts and emotions without thinking about the consequences.

Cheating was also more likely by people who had had more sexual partners.

The conclusions come from a survey of 123 heterosexual people aged 17 to 25, all of whom were currently in a relationship.

Among many questions, they were asked whether they had cheated by kissing or having sex outside the relationship.

The study’s authors found…

“…quality of alternatives to be the strongest predictor of both extradyadic sex inclination and extradyadic kissing inclination, suggesting that it may be a key determinant of individuals’ inclination to engage in extradyadic activities.”

Those who have had more sexual partners in the past may be more inclined to cheat because they have learned the ‘trick’ of seduction.

The authors write:

“Participants who had experienced sexual intimacy with a greater number of partners also reported greater extradyadic sex and extradyadic kissing inclination.

This inclination may be attributable to the individuals’ skills at recognizing sexual advances or recruitment of sex partners.”

Finally, men were more likely to cheat by having sex outside the relationship.

However, both men and women were equally likely to cheat by kissing outside their relationship.

The study was published in the British Journal of Psychology (McAlister et al., 2005).

The skill helps build stronger relationships and even contributes to better long-term health.

Listening from the heart can improve relationships, research finds.

Clear and explicit support helps to reduce tension and stress levels and improve the other person’s emotional state.

This helps build stronger relationships and even contributes to better long-term health.

Here are three tips for providing supportive communication:

• Acknowledging the person is under stress

While the situation might not seem stressful to you, remember that people are different.

Acknowledge that your partner requires comforting.

• Use verbal and nonverbal forms of communication

Listening and asking questions, using eye contact and touching can all help reduce stress levels.

• Provide emotional support

Unless someone asks for advice, do not offer it.

Instead, focus on providing emotional support.

This just involves listening and asking questions so you understand the problem.

Professor Jennifer Priem, who led the research, said:

“The fastest stress recovery comes from explicit messages.

When a partner is stressed they are unable to focus on interpreting messages well.

Clarity and eye contact help.”

One of the classic mistakes people make is to dismiss their partner’s stress, Professor Priem said:

“If your partner is feeling stressed, telling him or her ‘don’t worry about it’ or trying to distract the person from the stress by changing the subject is generally not going to help.”

The conclusions come from a study in which 103 people did stressful tasks while being supported by their dating partner.

Levels of the ‘stress hormone’ cortisol, along with ratings by trained observers, helped assess the type of supportive communication that was effective.

It emerged that really supportive communication helped lower cortisol levels.

Other research has shown that this can help improve sleep, reduce headaches and even benefit the heart.

Professor Priem said:

“Cookie cutter support messages don’t really work.

Stress creates a frame through which messages are interpreted.

Support that is clear and explicit in validating feelings and showing interest and concern is most likely to lower cortisol levels and increase feelings of wellbeing and safety.

If you aren’t seeing improvement in your partner’s anxiety, you may need to change your approach.”

The study was published in the journal Communication Research (Priem et al., 2015).