Category: Relationships

“Relationships are like cars in that you have to do certain things to keep them running…”

The five best ways to improve your relationship are revealed by a review of 35 different psychology studies on 12,273 people.

These are:

1. Being open about your feelings with your partner,
2. being fun and upbeat,
3. assuring your partner you are committed,
4. sharing household tasks,
5. and sharing your social network.

Crucially, though, your partner must notice these behaviours, or the effort is wasted.

Professor Brian Ogolsky, the study’s first author, said:

“Relationships are like cars in that you have to do certain things to keep them running, especially when your goal is to strengthen and preserve your bond with your partner.”

Being open involves both sharing your feelings as well as eliciting your partner’s feelings.

Professor Ogolsky said:

“It’s also important to assure your partner that you’re in the relationship for the long haul, to divide household chores and responsibilities equally, and to make an effort to include your partner’s friends and family in some of your activities.”

Professor Ogolsky explained the benefits of using these strategies:

“Persons who use any of these maintenance strategies will not only be more satisfied with and committed to their relationship, they are also likely to continue to love and, yes, even like each other throughout its duration.”

Letting your partner see the effort you are making is crucial, said Professor Ogolsky:

“Say you’ve arrived home from work and your intention all day has been to buy some flowers for your partner and surprise her with dinner.

Then you get wrapped up in a business phone call and your good intentions fall by the wayside.

You may feel as if you’ve put considerable effort into your relationship, but your partner didn’t see it so it does you no good.”

Even relatively modest efforts can be beneficial, said Professor Ogolsky:

“Even a small attempt at maintenance, such as asking how your partner’s day was, sending a humorous text to make him laugh, or picking up the phone and calling your mother- or father-in-law, can have a positive impact on your relationship and make you happier.”

The study was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (Ogolsky & Bowers, 2012).

Research has identified three ways to predict adultery.

Adultery is predicted by having a neurotic partner with low self-esteem and being suspicious that they are having an affair, research finds.

People who are neurotic tend to have less control over their impulses, so are more likely to act on an opportunity.

Those with low self-esteem may seek validation by having an affair.

Being suspicious of a partner is also predictive of adultery because people are surprisingly good at intuitively reading the signs of infidelity.

In one study, a stranger was able to spot a relationship cheat just by watching a couple interacting for a few minutes.

The conclusions come from a nationally representative survey of 2,291 people who had been married for at least 12 months.

The results showed that there was a 2.3% chance of adultery in each year.

Other studies have suggested that infidelity may affect up to 75% of relationships.

Neuroticism was an important predictor of adultery, the study’s authors write:

“…neuroticism was significantly and positively associated with infidelity, which is similar to what has been reported regarding an association between neuroticism and perceived likelihood of engaging in an affair.”

Neurotic people may be more likely to act on opportunities, the authors write:

“…it may be that impulsivity is the aspect of neuroticism that gives rise to increased likelihood of infidelity, as it has been hypothesized that people with high impulsivity and low dependability may be more likely to act on sexual opportunities.”

On top of neuroticism, low self-esteem and being suspicious, adultery was also predicted by marital dissatisfaction and being less religious.

Men were also more likely to cheat when their partner was pregnant.

Being religious was linked to lower levels of infidelity, the researchers also found.

The study was published in the Journal of Family Psychology (Whisman et al., 2007).

These relationships can help us stave off loneliness.

People who value their friendships are healthier and happier, research finds.

As we get older, relationships with friends can become more important for health and happiness than relationships with family members.

With age, friends can play a stronger role in predicting how long we will live than our families.

It may be partly because we choose our friends and not our families (well, not most of them, anyway).

Friends who have stood the test of time are particularly valuable.

Dr William Chopik, the study’s author, said:

“Friendships become even more important as we age.

Keeping a few really good friends around can make a world of difference for our health and well-being.

So it’s smart to invest in the friendships that make you happiest.”

A first study surveyed 271,053 from almost 100 countries.

This found both friends and family were linked to people’s happiness and health.

However, the benefits of friendship became stronger with age.

Dr Chopik said:

“There are now a few studies starting to show just how important friendships can be for older adults.

Summaries of these studies show that friendships predict day-to-day happiness more and ultimately how long we’ll live, more so than spousal and family relationships.”

A second study of 7,481 older adults found friendships could be both a significant source of strain as well as happiness.

However, friends may help to fight against loneliness, Dr Chopik said:

“Friendships help us stave off loneliness but are often harder to maintain across the lifespan.

If a friendship has survived the test of time, you know it must be a good one – a person you turn to for help and advice often and a person you wanted in your life.”

The study was published in the journal Personal Relationships (Chopik, 2017).

Four things that kill a relationship stone dead.

When someone has contempt for their partner, this is the single greatest predictor of divorce.

The conclusion comes from psychologist Professor John Gottman, who has been analysing relationships, both good and bad for over 40 years.

He’s followed couples across decades in many psychological studies to see what kinds of behaviours predict whether they would stay together in the long-term or were soon destined for the divorce courts.

Amongst the factors he identified, four have stood out, time and time again.

When Gottman sees a couple’s communication overrun with these, the chances are they will divorce in an average of around six years from their marriage.

1. Contempt

Contempt can involve sarcasm, name-calling, mimicking and eye-rolling.

Whatever form it takes, contempt makes the other person feel worthless.

Contempt is also bad for your health, as Gottman found that couples who were contemptuous of each other suffered from more infectious diseases like colds and flu.

Alternatively: build respect by appreciating the positive, e.g. “Love your taste in music!” (NOT “The sound of your laughter makes me want to vomit.”)

2. Criticism

Of course we all complain to each other—married couples more than most—but it’s a particular type of corrosive criticism that Gottman identified as being so destructive.

This is when one criticises the other’s core being, their personality.

For example: “You’re late because you don’t care about me“.

We all make mistakes, but notice that here it’s all about how those mistakes are interpreted.

At their worst, criticisms have the implication that the other person is bad or wrong at some deeper level.

Repeated criticisms that strike at the heart of the other person’s being signal the end of the relationship will be sooner rather than later.

Alternatively: voice the concern and make a request, e.g. “I’m bored, let’s have a game of cards.” (NOT: “You’re ignoring me you selfish @#$%!”)

3. Defensiveness

A person is too defensive when they are always trying to make excuses for their failures or slip-ups.

People do this automatically from time-to-time, but when it becomes a persistent theme in a relationship, this can signal the end.

It’s an even worse signal when partners are also trying to score points off the other on top of being defensive.

After all, people who live together are supposed to be in partnership, supporting each other.

Life is difficult enough without being attacked from within as well as from without.

Alternatively: take your share of the blame and suggest a solution, e.g. “I guess I should have put it on my list, OK let’s do it now.” (NOT: No, I didn’t pay the gas bill because you forgot to remind me.”)

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling is when a person metaphorically raises the drawbridge and cuts off communication.

There are no nods of encouragement to their partner when they speak, no attempt to empathise and no effort to respond or connect.

It’s like talking to a brick wall.

Stonewalling can often be a result of a prolonged period of criticism, contempt and defensiveness.

It may feel like the only response to a worsening situation, but lack of communication will not solve the problems at the heart of the relationship.

Alternatively: speak, move, respond, blink, move a muscle, anything! (NOT: here’s my impression of a brick wall.)

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