Category: Relationships

Parenthood brings many stressors including lack of sleep and endless chores, which puts immense strain on parents and their relationship.

Most couples remain committed to each other and satisfied with their relationships after having children, a study finds.

While the transition to parenthood is filled with stressors, like lack of sleep and endless chores, the majority of couples get through it with their connection to each other intact.

The conclusions come from a study of over 200 couples who were tracked over more than a year as they had their first child.

Mr Nathan Leonhardt, the study’s first author, explained the results:

“The clear majority (81 percent) of the 203 couples navigated the transition with high commitment and at least moderately high satisfaction.

And we learned that a huge differentiation as far as who ended up transitioning well were people that had good relationships going into this transition period.”

The study also found some factors that predicted the most successful transition to parenthood:

• More realistic expectations of having children,
• feeling their partner helped them grow as a person,
• believing their partner was committed to the relationship,
• and remaining emotionally connected to their partner.

Professor Emily Impett, study co-author, said:

“I think the focus on commitment as an outcome during the transition to parenthood is really important, and the take-home that most couples begin but remain highly committed over this life transition is a message that should be music to many couples’ ears.”

Many people believe that relationships suffer from parenthood, but Mr Leonhardt thinks this is unnecessarily gloomy:

“I like being able to point out exceptions to the norm, to ‘myth bust’ a little bit.

So with something like the transition to parenthood, I wanted to be able to see if we could break some of the common narratives and give people a little bit more hope.”

Children won’t save a relationship

However, parents should not expect having a child to save their relationship, Mr Leonhardt said:

“As a general rule, if things aren’t going well in your relationship, adding another person to this family probably isn’t the thing that you should be doing to try to resolve any relationship problems that you have.”

Mr Leonhardt is fascinated by relationships and how they affect our lives:

“If you were to ask somebody about the best and worst experiences they’ve had in their lives, there’s a high percentage of experiences that would have something to do with their relationship.

It’s just such an integral part of who we are as human beings and how we come to understand ourselves, and what’s ultimately most important to us in our lives.”

The study was published in the journal Journal of Marriage and Family (Leonhardt et al., 2021).

Single vs married: two surveys reveal who is happier.

Being married brings people more lifelong happiness than being single, research finds.

The boost to happiness in being married also persists into old age.

The positive effect of marriage is even stronger for those people who described their partner as their best friend.

The findings were just the same for those people who lived together but were not actually married.

Professor John Helliwell, study co-author, said:

“Even after years the married are still more satisfied.

This suggests a causal effect at all stages of the marriage, from pre-nuptial bliss to marriages of long-duration.”

Surveys of single vs married

The results come from two surveys that involved around 370,000 people in the UK.

The honeymoon phase was not the only time when marriage boosted happiness.

Typically, middle-aged people see a dip in their satisfaction with life.

However, Professor Helliwell said:

“Marriage may help ease the causes of a mid-life dip in life satisfaction and the benefits of marriage are unlikely to be short-lived.”

The social effects of being married appeared to be how it increases happiness.

Having a lifelong friend — indeed a ‘super-friend’ — helps explain why the positive effects of a partnership last so long.

Professor Helliwell said:

“The well-being benefits of marriage are much greater for those who also regard their spouse as their best friend.

These benefits are on average about twice as large for people whose spouse is also their best friend.”

The study was published in the Journal of Happiness Studies (Grover & Helliwell, 2017).

Divorce runs in families because negative personality traits like neuroticism are passed down genetically.

Genetics is the main reason why divorce runs in families, research finds.

Psychologists used to think that the potential for divorce was transmitted from one generation to the next by psychological means.

But this study finds that it is really genetics that are at the root — although psychological factors are important.

For example, neurotic people tend to see their partners in a more negative light.

The personality trait of neuroticism is passed down through the generations.

This, along with other psychological characteristics passed on genetically, mostly explains why divorce runs in families.

Why divorce runs in families

Dr Jessica Salvatore, the study’s first author, said:

“At present, the bulk of evidence on why divorce runs in families points to the idea that growing up with divorced parents weakens your commitment to and the interpersonal skills needed for marriage.

So, if a distressed couple shows up in a therapist’s office and finds, as part of learning about the partners’ family histories, that one partner comes from a divorced family, then the therapist may make boosting commitment or strengthening interpersonal skills a focus of their clinical efforts.”

However, strengthening commitment may not be the best way to approach the problem, said Dr Salvatore:

“…what we find is strong, consistent evidence that genetic factors account for the intergenerational transmission of divorce.

For this reason, focusing on increasing commitment or strengthening interpersonal skills may not be a particularly good use of time for a therapist working with a distressed couple.”

Instead, the key for couples having problems may be looking at personality issues.

Dr Salvatore said:

“For example, other research shows that people who are highly neurotic tend to perceive their partners as behaving more negatively than they objectively are [as rated by independent observers].

So, addressing these underlying, personality-driven cognitive distortions through cognitive-behavioral approaches may be a better strategy than trying to foster commitment.”

The study was published in the journal Psychological Science (Salvatore et al., 2018).

The technique does not help you work out what they are feeling or if they are lying, despite the constant claims.

Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes does NOT help you understand what they are thinking, a series of 25 experiments has shown.

It debunks one of the most commonly used ways to work out what other people are thinking.

In fact, putting yourself in someone else’s shoes only gives you the impression that you know them better.

Far better, to just ask them.

The study’s author’s explain:

“We incorrectly presume that taking someone else’s perspective will help us understand and improve interpersonal relationships.

If you want an accurate understanding of what someone is thinking or feeling, don’t make assumptions, just ask.”

Across 25 different experiments, people were asked to put themselves in someone else’s shoes and imagine all kinds of things about them, such as:

• whether they were truly smiling,
• whether they were lying,
• and what they were really feeling.

The authors explain the results:

“Initially a large majority of participants believed that taking someone else’s perspective would help them achieve more accurate interpersonal insight.

However, test results showed that their predictive assumptions were not generally accurate, although it did make them feel more confident about their judgement and reduced egocentric biases.”

Dale Carnegie popularised this way of understanding other people in his bestseller ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’.

The only benefit to imagining you are someone else is in reducing the ‘egocentric bias’.

This is the tendency people have to rely too much on their own opinions in order to satisfy their own egos.

Imagining you are someone else helps people take into account other perspectives and reduces reliance on egotistical opinions.

What it doesn’t do, though, is let you read other people’s minds.

The study was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Eyal et al., 2018).

Two factors that help keep long distance relationships alive are that these couples:

• Tell each other more intimate information.
• Have a more idealised view of their partner.

The study, which contradicts much standard dating advice, was inspired by the increasing numbers of people conducting long distance relationships because of the demands of education, employment or emigration.

The researchers examined 67 couples: some who were in long distance relationships, and others who were in close physical proximity to each other.

They found that the long distance couples were highly trusting and even felt more intimate with their partners, despite their physical distance.

Crystal Jiang explained:

“…our culture emphasizes being together physically and frequent face-to-face contact for close relationships, but long-distance relationships clearly stand against all these values.

People don’t have to be so pessimistic about long-distance romance.

The long-distance couples try harder than geographically close couples in communicating affection and intimacy, and their efforts do pay back.”

It shows that, while it is not necessarily ideal to be separated from your partner for long periods of time, people do find ways to cope with the situation.

Other studies have also found that, although those in long distance relationships talk with each other less, what they do say is imbued with greater meaning.

This appears to balance out the lack of physical contact.

This means those in long distance relationships often have similar levels of relationship satisfaction and stability as those who are geographically close to each other.

None of this research, though, tells us anything about which types of people can cope with long distance relationships.

While some people may naturally have the skills required, others may not.

Still, it’s heartening to know that should a long distance relationship be unavoidable, many people are able to keep their intimacy levels high, which helps fuel the relationship, just as if they lived in the same house.

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What makes people stay in relationships and what makes them want to leave?

People who are married or just dating give similar reasons for wanting to leave their partner.

These are (1) issues with their partner’s personality, (2) a breach of trust (often, cheating) and (3) partner becoming distant or disconnected.

People give slightly different reasons for wanting to stay together.

For people who are married, the top reasons to stay together are the investment they have already made in the relationship, family responsibilities and the barriers to leaving (e.g. financial).

You can tell these are people who have been together for an average of 9 years — the responses are kind of negative.

Top of the reasons to stay for those dating included liking their partner’s personality, feeling close and the positive emotions from the relationship.

In other words, these are couples who have been together for an average of two years and haven’t had kids yet.

Professor Samantha Joel, who led the study, said:

“Most of the research on breakups has been predictive, trying to predict whether a couple stays together or not, but we don’t know much about the decision process — what are the specific relationship pros and cons that people are weighing out.”

Around half the people in the study had both reasons to stay and reasons to leave.

Professor Joel said:

“What was most interesting to me was how ambivalent people felt about their relationships.

They felt really torn.

Breaking up can be a really difficult decision.

You can look at a relationship from outside and say ‘you have some really unsolvable problems, you should break up’ but from the inside that is a really difficult thing to do and the longer you’ve been in a relationship, the harder it seems to be.”

Most people said they had relationship deal-breakers, but these are often forgotten when they meet someone.

Professor Joel said:

“Humans fall in love for a reason.

From an evolutionary perspective, for our ancestors finding a partner may have been more important than finding the right partner.

It might be easier to get into relationships than to get back out of them.”

The study was published in the journal Social Psychology and Personality Science (Joel et al., 2017).

Includes research on the secrets partners keep from each other, signs of healthy marriages and what children to relationships.

Almost 90 percent of people keep small, mundane secrets from their partners, it turns out.

This is just one of the most fascinating insights from recent psychology studies on relationships covered here on PsyBlog.

The researchers conclude that these little secrets may even benefit relationships in certain ways.

Find out about this and other intriguing psychology studies on relationships from the members-only section of PsyBlog:

(If you are not already, find out how to become a PsyBlog member here.)

1. 90% Of People Keep These Little Secrets From Their Partners
2. The Positive Signs Of The Most Healthy Relationships
3. The Relationship Pattern Linked To Depression And Anxiety
4. Why Men Suffer More Physically From Divorce And Separation
5. Brain Scans Can Predict Marital Satisfaction
6. What Having Children Does To Your Relationship
7. The 3 Healthiest Traits For Your Partner

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