Category: Relationships

Men and women differ, but have certain minimum standards.

Men choose a woman who is at least moderately physically attractive, research finds.

Women, however, prioritise choosing a man of at least moderate social status when considering a long-term relationship.

The speed dating study found that men of low social status and unattractive women tended to lose out.

The partners that people chose were in line with their predictions beforehand.

In other words, men prioritised appearance and women prioritised social status.

Men and women were the same, though, when thinking about a short-term relationship — then both sexes were focused on physical appearance.

The study used both speed dating and online dating formats to test people’s partner preferences.

Before chatting with members of the opposite sex, participants were asked about their preferences.

Dr Norman Li, who led the study, explained the results:

“[people] prioritize different qualities when screening each other in online chats and speed-dates – women want men who are at least average in social status while men want women who are at least moderately physically attractive.

We also are the first to demonstrate that what individuals say they value in potential mates is indeed reflected in how they actually choose them in initial mating situations.”

In other words, people do know what they want in a partner, although men and women differ.

Dr Oliver Sng, study co-author, said:

“Speed-dating events and other modern contexts have many factors that can prevent a person’s ideal preferences from being expressed.

This new study identifies one such factor (lack of low-end variability) and shows that once you correct for it, people do indeed make choices closer to what they ideally want.”

Professor Douglas Kenrick, study co-author, said:

“The new study helps to dispel politically correct – but factually misguided – notions of a gender-neutral world where men and women want the exact same kind of mates.”

The study was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Li et al., 2013).

People with this skill had higher relationship satisfaction, along with lower stress.

Being mindful has a profound positive effect on relationships, research finds.

Partners who are able to remain mindful with each other are much less stressed and much happier than those who do not.

While some people have a natural tendency to be more mindful than others, the quality can be trained.

Mindfulness is a way of paying attention to the present moment in a non-judgemental way.

Even people who are generally mindful may find that they do not always pay full attention to their partner.

It is easy for the attention to wander to future worries and past events.

People low in relationship mindfulness tend to agree with statements such as:

• “I have conversations with my partner without being
  really attentive.”
• “When I’m with my partner, I find myself saying or doing things without paying attention.”

Dr Jonathan Kimmes, the study’s first author, said:

“Relationship mindfulness is that tendency to be present with your partner in a nonjudgmental way.

It’s one thing to be mindful when you are at the grocery store, but can you be mindful with the person you are most intimate with?”

The conclusions come from a study of 218 heterosexual couples who were given surveys of their happiness and relationship mindfulness.

The results showed an association between higher relationship mindfulness and better relationship satisfaction, along with lower stress.

Women with mindful partners were also less depressed.

Dr Kimmes said:

“To me as a therapist, these results suggest that this area could be a promising target for clinical interventions.

There are many mindfulness practices that could work with clients, so which ones should you choose?

We should look at practices specific to relationships for people seeking therapy in that area.”

The study was published in the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy (Kimmes et al., 2019).

The most common form of relationship abuse is psychological.

Women stay in abusive relationships due to a combination of low self-esteem, poor alternatives and how much they have already invested in the relationship, research finds.

Despite being abused, many women (and men) find it hard to leave their partner.

Only 12 percent of the women in this study who were abused — psychologically or physically — left their partner within two months.

Many women felt they were not worthy of something better.

Their low self-esteem was sometimes the result of experiencing childhood abuse — this appeared to raise their tolerance for abuse.

The conclusions come from a study of 323 women, all of whom reported at least one incident of abuse, whether physical or psychological.

Psychological abuse included things like “called me fat or ugly” or “insulted or swore at me”.

Most of the abuse reported in the study was psychological.

The results showed that 88 percent of women were still with an abusive partner over two months later.

The authors write that:

“…women experiencing high levels of psychological distress may not feel efficacious in their ability to leave their partners.”

Childhood abuse was an important contributory factor, the authors write:

“…women who were abused in childhood were more satisfied with their current relationships than women who were not abused in childhood.

It is possible that women with childhood abuse histories are more satisfied in their relationships than women without childhood abuse histories because they have more tolerance for mistreatment based on early life experiences and resulting interpersonal schemas.”

Being abused had an unusual effect on women: it encouraged them to work harder at their relationship.

“…the more psychological abuse women are exposed to, the more energy and effort they put forth to resolve the conflict, thus leading to increases in perceived investment.”

And the more women invested in their relationship, the more likely they were to stay in it.

The study was published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence (Edwards et al., 2010).

The top two psychological causes of infidelity.

Men and women cheat on their partners at about equal rates.

According to various studies, somewhere between 40 percent and 76 percent of people cheat on their partners over the course of their relationship.

The type of people most likely to cheat are those with ‘avoidant attachment styles’.

In other words: these are people who find intimacy uncomfortable.

They are the kind of people who want to avoid being too attached to one person.

This could be because of poor parental relationships when they were young.

They could also value their independence more highly than being very close to one person.

Ms Geneviève Beaulieu-Pelletier, author of a study on the subject, said:

“These numbers indicate that even if we get married with the best of intentions things don’t always turn out the way we plan.

What interests me about infidelity is why people are willing to conduct themselves in ways that could be very damaging to them and to their relationship.”

The top two reasons for infidelity that people cited were: (1) distancing themselves from commitment and (2) distancing themselves from their partner.

“The emotional attachment we have with others is modelled on the type of parenting received during childhood.

Infidelity could be a regulatory emotional strategy used by people with an avoidant attachment style.

The act of cheating helps them avoid commitment phobia, distances them from their partner, and helps them keep their space and freedom.”

No difference was seen between men and women in the study.

Ms Beaulieu-Pelletier said:

 “Contrary to popular belief, infidelity isn’t more prevalent in men.”

The study was published in the journal Attachment and Human Development (Beaulieu-Pelletier et al., 2009).

A warning signal that someone is a higher risk for cheating on their partner.

A man with a deeper voice and a woman with a higher voice are more likely to cheat on their partner, research finds.

Voice pitch is linked to levels of the sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen.

People naturally find men with deeper voices and women with higher voices more attractive.

However, they also seem to be naturally aware that they could be markers of trouble down the line.

Dr Jillian O’Connor, the study’s first author, said:

“In terms of sexual strategy, we found that men and women will use voice pitch as a warning sign of future betrayal.

So the more attractive the voice — a higher pitch for women and lower pitch for men — the more likely the chances he or she will cheat.”

In the study people listened to recordings of male and female voices that were manipulated to be higher and lower in pitch.

They were asked which one was most likely to cheat on their partner.

Both men and women thought that lowered male voices and raised women’s voices suggested the person would be more likely to cheat.

Dr O’Connor said:

“Infidelity is costly with the emotional impact, financial costs and potential loss of the family unit.

But this suggests that through the evolutionary process, we have learned ways to avoid partners who may be unfaithful as a protection mechanism.”

Dr David Feinberg, study co-author, said:

“The reason voice pitch influences perceptions of cheating is likely due to the relationship between pitch, hormones and infidelity.

Men with higher testosterone levels have lower pitched voices, and women with higher estrogen levels have higher pitched voices.

High levels of these hormones are associated with adulterous behaviour and our findings indicate individuals are somewhat aware of the link and may use this in their search for a romantic partner.”

The study was published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology (O’Connor et al., 2011).

Naive cynicism can poison your relationships, psychological research finds.

People tended to assume that others are more biased than they really are.

This bias is called ‘naive cynicism’.

It is wrongly thinking the worst of other people.

Naive cynicism example

Of course, cynicism has its uses.

Being suspicious about the motives of others won’t leave you gasping when you are tricked.

Expecting negative events means you are never disappointed.

Anything good is a bonus.

But can cynicism go to far? A study by Kruger and Gilovich (1999) suggests it can.

The authors asked married couples to estimate how often their partner was responsible for both desirable and undesirable relationship events.

This came out about even: each person admitted causing some bad events while claiming responsibility for some of the good events in the relationship.

Half and half, fair’s fair.

They then asked each person to estimate what their partner had claimed.

Here’s the surprise.

On average people assumed their partners would take more responsibility for the good events and deny the bad events.

Actually they’d done nothing of the sort.

People tended to assume that others are more biased than they really are.

It’s not just married people who show this bias.

The authors also studied video game players, debaters and darts players.

A similar type of bias was seen in these groups as well.

Naïve cynicism develops early

Research in children shows this bias develops early.

Mills and Keil (2005) found that by as young as seven children have learnt to be cynical. The authors even suggest children may be more cynical than adults.

Life can be more pleasant – especially with your partner – when you give the benefit of the doubt. It may well be the cynics who are deluding themselves.

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