Couples married for decades reveal what they turned to when they thought their marriage might end.
When people in decades-long marriages describe what helped them through a crisis, most of the responses they give involve leaning on each other.
They describe listening to each other, talking through painful subjects and sometimes having the same argument more than once.
The researchers suggest that this response grows out of years of knowing they can count on their partner.
In attachment theory, a partner can act as a safe haven, someone whose presence makes it easier to bear distress.
Getting through a difficult period together may deepen that trust, making it easier to ask for help the next time it is needed.
Talking through the trouble
Dr Christian Heim, the study’s first author, and Dr Caroline Heim, study co-author, interviewed each couple together, asking each person to describe what had put their marriage under strain and what had helped them cope.
The 180 participants were born in 24 countries and, with a few exceptions, had been married for at least 40 years.
Around two-thirds of the couples described a threat they believed could have ended their marriage, such as the death or serious illness of a child, infidelity or prolonged periods apart.
Talking, listening and arguing accounted for almost a quarter of the coping responses the researchers recorded.
After an affair, some couples described arguing over it repeatedly, while bereaved partners sometimes waited for a moment when both felt able to speak.
One partner in an American couple married for 45 years recalled asking their spouse about the son they had lost.
“Can I talk about our son? I’m hurting. Is it okay to talk about it?”
Some partners described taking time to grieve separately before they were ready to turn to each other.
On the same side
Around four in five coping responses involved leaning on the relationship, whether by drawing closer, persevering as a couple or giving up something one partner wanted.
The interviews capture what couples in lasting marriages felt had helped them, leaving open whether the same approaches would have helped couples who separated.
When partners see a problem as something they face together, they may spend less time working out who is to blame and more time trying to understand what the other person is going through.
A previous analysis involving almost 18,000 people found that coping together and helping a partner manage stress were both linked to greater relationship satisfaction (Falconier et al., 2015).
Some couples in the interviews felt that an illness, a bereavement or a family conflict had left them closer, even though the experience itself had been painful.
A British couple married for 60 years described how they got through a serious conflict with their in-laws:
“We were on the same side.”
Related
The study was published in the journal The American Journal of Family Therapy (Heim & Heim, 2025).
