Relationships - PsyBlog

9 Common Relationship Myths Debunked by Science (P)

Forget the old rules—these studies reveal what really matters in relationships.

Many of the ideas people hold about relationships are based more on myth than reality.

From money matters to emotional communication, and from conflict to commitment, science provides a fresh, evidence-based perspective on how relationships truly work.

These 9 studies provide a more accurate understanding of what really helps couples stay happy and connected.

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What Really Happens When Other People Flirt With Your Partner (M)

Think your partner getting attention boosts your bond? Think again — it may do the opposite.

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The Two Most Harmful Relationship Patterns

Be aware of the two most harmful relationship patterns.

People who expect their partners to read their minds are harming their relationships, research finds.

It occurs when there are problems in the relationship and one person disengages and does not communicate their problems to the other.

It often happens when that person is anxious about the relationship and feels neglected.

Anger and negative communication often result from expecting the other person to be a mind-reader.

Dr Keith Sanford, who led the study, explained:

“You’re worried about how much your partner loves you, and that’s associated with neglect.
You feel sad, hurt and vulnerable.”

Toxic disengagement

Expecting the other person to be telepathic is one of the most toxic ways that people disengage psychologically from a relationship.

The other is type is withdrawing.

Dr Sanford said:

“It’s a defensive tactic that people use when they feel they are being attacked, and there’s a direct association between withdrawal and lower satisfaction overall with the relationship.”

Withdrawing when attacked by your partner complains or criticises is extremely common.

Dr Sanford said it is…

“…more characteristic of unhappiness.
Just about everyone does that from time to time, but you see more of that in distressed relationships.”

Partners who psychologically withdraw from the relationship are more likely to be disinterested or bored with the other person.

Dr Sanford said:

“There’s a desire to maintain autonomy, control and distance.”

While one person makes demands on the relationship (often, but not always the woman), the other person disengages, Dr Sanford said:

“Often, you have one person who withdraws and the other demands.
The more the one demands and complains, the more the other withdraws, and so on.
It’s an issue both of being aware of when these behaviors are occurring and of finding an alternative — a more constructive, polite approach to resolve conflict.
And at times, that’s easier said than done.”

The results come from surveys of thousands of people in relationships.

They answered questions about relationship conflicts, how they responded and the emotions that resulted.

The study was published in the journal Psychological Assessment (Nichols et al., 2014).

3 Personality Traits Associated With Infidelity

Up to 50% of people admit cheating on their partner.

People who are low on conscientiousness are more likely to cheat on their partner, research finds.

People who are not conscientious are careless, badly organised and find it hard to resist temptation.

People who are more extraverted are also more likely to cheat on their partner, the researchers found.

It is probably because extraverted people have a wider social circle and so more opportunities to cheat.

Also, extraverts are impulsive, sensation-seekers who can easily succumb to their desires.

The conclusions come from a survey of 208 people, who were asked about their relationships and whether they had cheated.

Up to 50% of people admit cheating on their partner, the authors write:

“Early studies reported that by the age of 40, 50% of all married men and more than 25% of all married women have engaged in extramarital sexual behavior.
Three decades later, an estimated 50% of men continued to engage in sexual and/or emotional extramarital relations while 40% of women engaged in similar relationships.”

The results of the study revealed that cheaters tend to be low in conscientiousness, extraverted and open to experience.

Extraverts tend to seek out stimulation, the authors write:

“Extroverts may be inclined to cheat to obtain stimulation and prevent boredom.
Extroversion may also facilitate less investment in the relationship when those with this trait seek out others for stimulation, thereby decreasing commitment and resulting in cheating behaviours.”

The third personality trait associated with infidelity is openness to experience.

Openness to experience is linked to intellect and creativity.

The authors explain:

“…cheaters may perceive themselves as having stronger intellect and stronger creativity compared to that of their partners, leading them to seek out partners that may be a better, that is, similar, match.”

The study was published in the journal Current Psychology (Orzeck & Lung, 2005).

The Simple Question That Could Save Your Relationship

When negative feelings accumulate in a relationship, it can become a problem.

Couples are often poor at knowing when their partner is sad, lonely or a little down, research finds.

Instead couples tend to assume their partner feels the same way as they do.

Asking “How are you feeling?” and working on ’empathic accuracy’ could improve the relationship.

Dr Chrystyna Kouros, who led the study, said:

“We found that when it comes to the normal ebb and flow of daily emotions, couples aren’t picking up on those occasional changes in ‘soft negative’ emotions like sadness or feeling down.
They might be missing important emotional clues.”

Misreading your partner

The results come from a study of 51 couples who kept daily dairies about their moods and those of their partner.

By comparing them, researchers were able to see how accurate each person was at empathising with the other.

The results showed that the relatively subtle ups and downs were hard to identify.

In contrast, strong positive or negative feelings were easy for partners to spot.

Dr Kouros said:

“Failing to pick up on negative feelings one or two days is not a big deal.
But if this accumulates, then down the road it could become a problem for the relationship.
It’s these missed opportunities to be offering support or talking it out that can compound over time to negatively affect a relationship.”

Empathic accuracy

Sadness and loneliness were particularly difficult to read, the researchers found.

Dr Kouros said:

“With empathic accuracy you’re relying on clues from your partner to figure out their mood.
Assumed similarity, on the other hand, is when you just assume your partner feels the same way you do.
Sometimes you might be right, because the two of you actually do feel the same, but not because you were really in tune with your partner.”

Asking “How do you feel?” all the time quickly gets irritating, but a little communication can’t hurt.

Dr Kouros said:

“I suggest couples put a little more effort into paying attention to their partner — be more mindful and in the moment when you are with your partner.
Obviously you could take it too far.
If you sense that your partner’s mood is a little different than usual, you can just simply ask how their day was, or maybe you don’t even bring it up, you just say instead ‘Let me pick up dinner tonight’ or ‘I’ll put the kids to bed tonight.’
If there’s something you want to talk about, then communicate that.
It’s a two-way street.
It’s not just your partner’s responsibility.”

The study was published in the journal Family Process (Kouros et al., 2018).

This One Habit Is Ruining Your Social Life

Find out why you’re no longer enjoying time with friends.

Smartphones are killing the simple pleasure we can take from socialising.

Research finds that people enjoy socialising with friends and family more if they avoid using their smartphones.

Using smartphones during a dinner with friends led people to feel more distracted and to enjoy the experience less.

Surprisingly, people who used their smartphones during lulls in the conversation reported feeling more bored.

Score one point for old-fashioned conversation.

Mr Ryan Dwyer, the study’s first author, said:

“As useful as smartphones can be, our findings confirm what many of us likely already suspected.
When we use our phones while we are spending time with people we care about — apart from offending them — we enjoy the experience less than we would if we put our devices away.”

In the research 300 people went to dinner with friends and family at a restaurant.

Half were randomly assigned to keep their phones in their pocket, while the other half kept them on the table.

They were interviewed afterwards to see how much they had enjoyed the meal.

Mr Dwyer explained that people were slightly more bored with their phones out, which was surprising:

“We had predicted that people would be less bored when they had access to their smartphones, because they could entertain themselves if there was a lull in the conversation.”

Another study tested other situations by sending a group of over 100 people text messages five times a day to report how they were feeling and what they were doing.

Once again, people enjoyed socialising with others more if they were not using their phones as well.

Professor Elizabeth Dunn, study co-author, said:

“An important finding of happiness research is that face-to-face interactions are incredibly important for our day-to-day wellbeing.
This study tells us that, if you really need your phone, it’s not going to kill you to use it.
But there is a real and detectable benefit from putting your phone away when you’re spending time with friends and family.”

The study was published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology (Dwyer et al., 2017).

These 2 Personality Types Are The Most Compatible

People have a romantic type, study demonstrates.

People choose romantic partners who have similar characteristics to themselves, a study of over 1,000 people has found.

They go for similar personality, intelligence levels and levels of education.

So, the most compatible personality types are similar personalities.

When it comes to physical characteristics, people also seem to have a ‘type’.

For example, women who like attractive, dominant, masculine men tend to have ex-partners who fit the same profile.

The conclusions come from a study in which people were asked about their current and ex-partners.

The results showed that people choose partners who are similar to themselves in many different ways.

Dr Paul Eastwick, the study’s first author, said:

“Do people have a type?
Yes.
But sometimes it reflects your personal desirability and sometimes it reflects where you live.”

Dr Eastwick explained that some of the similarities between ex-partners were down to being brought up in the same area:

“A second study examined the ex-partners of several hundred young adults sampled from schools across the United States.
The exes of a particular person tended to be very similar on variables like education, religiosity, and intelligence, but this type of similarity was entirely due to the school that people attended.
Within their local school context, people were no more or less likely to select educated, intelligent, or religious partners.”

However, locality cannot totally explain why birds of a feather flock together — people are on the lookout for something similar, every time.

The study strongly refutes the received notion that opposites attract.

Far from it: opposites repel!

The study was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Eastwick al., 2017).

This Emotion Builds Stronger Families — And It Can Be Taught (M)

This simple act can drastically reduce your parenting stress and relationship satisfaction.

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This Ultimate Love Triggers The Most Intense Brain Activity (M)

This love beats all others in brain activity.

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This Behavioural Pattern Is Incredibly Toxic To Any Relationship

An important sign that a relationship is in trouble.

One of the most toxic relationship patterns involves ‘the silent treatment’.

Shutting down communication is part of a pattern psychologists call the ‘demand-withdraw’ pattern.

The demand-withdraw pattern frequently happens in relationships when they are distressed.

It involves one partner — often the woman — making demands, while the man withdraws.

Sometimes it happens in the reverse direction but, either way, it is very damaging for a relationship and can be difficult to escape from.

Professor Paul Schrodt, the study’s first author, said:

“It’s the most common pattern of conflict in marriage or any committed, established romantic relationship.
And it does tremendous damage.”

The conclusions come from an analysis of 74 different studies carried out with over 14,000 participants.

The results revealed that couples displaying the demand-withdraw pattern had the lowest relationship satisfaction.

They also reported poorer communication, lower intimacy, higher aggression and anxiety.

Professor Schrodt said:

“Partners get locked in this pattern, largely because they each see the other as the cause.
Both partners see the other as the problem.”

Husbands tend to do the withdrawing, Professor Schrodt explained:

“One of the most important things we found is that even though wife-demand/husband-withdraw occurs more frequently, it’s not more or less damaging.
It’s a real, serious sign of distress in the relationship.”

Escaping demand-withdraw

The best way of dealing with this pattern is by accepting and validating the other person’s identity.

This is done through improving communication.

Men should listen and understand their partner, while women should reduce their negativity and hostility (or, the reverse if the woman is withdrawing).

It is better to bring up issues as neutrally as possible so they can be heard.

When both partners can communicate problems and feel they understand each other, their marital satisfaction is higher.

The study was published in the journal Communication Monographs (Schrodt et al., 2014).