Category: Relationships

When is the turning point where a relationship becomes serious?

In the first few weeks people cannot tell the difference between relationships that will last and those that are doomed.

Both long-term and short-term relationships feel almost identical to people — at least at first they do.

Whether the relationship is destined to last a month or a lifetime, romantic interest initially rises in similar ways, interviews find.

In other words, people do not really know whether it is going to last.

However, at some stage in what become short-term relationships, romantic interest starts to tail off.

The turning point is often when the relationship becomes sexual.

Dr Paul Eastwick, the study’s first author, said:

“Long-term and short-term trajectories typically pull apart after you’ve known someone for weeks or months.

In the beginning, there is no strong evidence that people can tell whether a given relationship will be long-term and serious or short-term and casual.”

Casual to committed

The results come from in-depth interviews with over 800 adults of all ages.

People were asked to reconstruct the events and experiences in their relationships — both long- and short-term.

Dr Eastwick said:

“Some of the most interesting moments in these relationships happen after you meet the person face-to-face, but before anything sexual has happened.

You wonder ‘is this going somewhere?’ or ‘How much am I into this person?’

It is somewhere around this point that short-term and long-term relationships start to diverge, and historically, we have very little data on this particular period of time.”

People may end up in short-term relationships with those they are only attracted to a little.

Long-term relationships turn out to be those that start out exciting and grow into something long-lasting and stable.

Dr Eastwick said:

“People would hook up with some partners for the first time and think ‘wow, this is pretty good.’

People tried to turn those experiences into long-term relationships.

Others sparked more of a ‘meh’ reaction.

Those were the short-term ones.”

The study was published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General (Eastwick et al., 2018).

Over 60 percent of people have been involved in this type of relationship.

Relationships that involve repeatedly breaking up and then getting back together are linked to poor mental health.

These “on-again, off-again” relationships are associated with increased depression and anxiety, as well as worse communication, less commitment and more abuse.

Over 60 percent of adults have been involved in this type of unstable relationship.

Around one-third of cohabiting couples report breaking up and getting back together at some point.

Dr Kale Monk, the study’s first author, said:

“Breaking up and getting back together is not always a bad omen for a couple.

In fact, for some couples, breaking up can help partners realize the importance of their relationship, contributing to a healthier, more committed unions.

On the other hand, partners who are routinely breaking up and getting back together could be negatively impacted by the pattern.”

The conclusions come from a study of 545 heterosexual and homosexual couples.

The results showed that male-male relationships had the highest rate of ‘cycling’ (on-again, off-again), while female-female and heterosexual couples were similar.

However, whether heterosexual or homosexual, cycling relationships were linked to higher depression and anxiety.

Dr Monk said:

“The findings suggest that people who find themselves regularly breaking up and getting back together with their partners need to ‘look under the hood’ of their relationships to determine what’s going on.

If partners are honest about the pattern, they can take the necessary steps to maintain their relationships or safely end them.

This is vital for preserving their well-being.”

Dr Monk provides some pointers for people experiencing cycling relationships:

• Consider the reasons you broke up in the first place when thinking about getting back together. Can they change or are they permanent?
• Talk about what is leading to break-ups with your partner — this can be illuminating.
• Why might you consider getting back together — are they the right reasons?
• Remember that it is OK to end a toxic relationship.
• Counselling is always an option.

The study was published in the journal Family Relations (Monk et al., 2018).