What is Covert Narcissism?
Covert narcissism is a more subtle, insidious form of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) that can be difficult to detect.
Unlike overt narcissists who are more easily recognised due to their grandiose and attention-seeking behaviour, covert narcissists display a more passive and reserved façade.
They may come across as shy, self-effacing, or even insecure, but underneath this veneer, they still harbour the same self-centred traits as their more overt counterparts.
While an overt narcissist will openly demand admiration and validation, the covert narcissist seeks these through indirect means, often using manipulation, passive-aggressiveness, and emotional abuse.
15 Common Signs of a Covert Narcissist
Identifying covert narcissism can be challenging because it doesn’t manifest in obvious ways.
However, there are certain signs to watch out for, many of which are subtle but toxic.
Below are 15 common traits:
- Insecurity: Covert narcissists often present themselves as uncertain or lacking confidence. However, this insecurity often masks a deep sense of superiority.
- Passive-Aggression: Instead of direct confrontation, covert narcissists resort to passive-aggressive tactics, like sarcasm, silent treatment, or veiled criticisms.
- Hypersensitivity to Criticism: Even minor criticism can lead to extreme emotional reactions, as covert narcissists are deeply fragile and insecure.
- Procrastination: They may delay tasks that others depend on, showing disregard for the needs of others.
- Chronic Envy: No matter how much they achieve or possess, covert narcissists are always envious of others, fixating on what they don’t have.
- Self-Deprecation: They may frequently put themselves down, but this is often a manipulative tactic to garner sympathy and reassurance.
- Manipulation for Personal Gain: Covert narcissists subtly manipulate situations to ensure they get what they want, often at the expense of others.
- Anxiety and Depression: Due to their heightened sensitivity and internal struggles, they are prone to bouts of anxiety and depression.
- Superficial Relationships: They often lack the capacity for deep, meaningful relationships, keeping interactions at a surface level.
- Blame-Shifting: They rarely accept responsibility for their actions and will frequently blame others for their mistakes or shortcomings.
- Attention-Seeking Through Victimhood: Instead of demanding admiration, they seek attention by playing the victim, constantly highlighting their struggles.
- Poor Boundaries: Covert narcissists believe their needs are more important, leading them to frequently overstep others’ boundaries.
- Difficulty Fitting In: They may struggle in social situations, as their insecurities make it hard for them to connect with others authentically.
- False Altruism: While they may appear kind and helpful, their good deeds often have ulterior motives—usually seeking praise and validation.
- Fear of Exposure: A covert narcissist’s biggest fear is being exposed for their true nature, leading them to avoid the spotlight or situations where they might be scrutinised.
A covert narcissist may appear humble and quiet, but their manipulative tactics can be just as damaging as those of an overt narcissist.
Covert Narcissist vs. Overt Narcissist: Key Differences
Though both covert and overt narcissists share the same underlying traits—such as grandiosity, lack of empathy, and an inflated sense of self-importance—the way these traits are expressed differs significantly.
- Overt narcissists are brash, attention-seeking, and often boastful. They openly demand admiration and expect to be the centre of attention.
- Covert narcissists, on the other hand, are more reserved and may come across as shy or self-doubting. Their need for admiration is not overt, but they still crave validation through more subtle, indirect means, such as playing the victim or using passive-aggression to manipulate others.
While overt narcissists are easier to identify due to their flamboyant behaviour, covert narcissists can fly under the radar, making their manipulation all the more harmful.
How Covert Narcissists Manipulate Others Subtly
One of the defining features of covert narcissism is the subtle, yet pervasive manipulation tactics employed to control those around them.
These methods can leave the victim feeling confused, guilty, and questioning their own reality.
- Gaslighting: Covert narcissists often distort facts or outright deny things they’ve said or done, causing their victims to doubt their own memories or perceptions.
- Playing the Victim: They frequently position themselves as the wronged party, seeking sympathy and validation from others while deflecting blame.
- Silent Treatment: This is a common tactic where the covert narcissist will withdraw all communication, leaving the victim feeling isolated and desperate for resolution.
- Triangulation: They may involve a third party in conflicts to create a sense of rivalry or to further manipulate the situation.
Covert narcissists are masters at creating confusion and self-doubt in their victims, often leaving them questioning their own sanity.
Protecting Yourself from Emotional Abuse
If you find yourself in a relationship with a covert narcissist, whether it be a romantic partner, family member, or colleague, protecting yourself from their toxic behaviour is essential.
Here are some practical steps you can take:
- Set Clear Boundaries: Clearly define what behaviour is and isn’t acceptable, and be prepared to enforce those boundaries.
- Limit Engagement: The less you engage in their manipulation, the less power they will have over you. Do not take the bait when they try to provoke you.
- Seek Support: Whether through friends, family, or a therapist, having a support network can help you maintain perspective and avoid falling into the trap of self-blame.
- Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off, it probably is. Trust your gut and don’t allow the narcissist to make you doubt your own perceptions.
Long-Term Effects of Being in a Relationship with a Covert Narcissist
The emotional and psychological toll of being in a relationship with a covert narcissist can be profound and long-lasting.
Victims may experience:
- Low Self-Esteem: Constant manipulation and gaslighting can erode a person’s self-confidence, leaving them feeling worthless and unimportant.
- Anxiety and Depression: The emotional strain of dealing with a covert narcissist can lead to significant mental health issues, including chronic anxiety and depression.
- Trust Issues: After being manipulated and deceived by a covert narcissist, victims may struggle to trust others, making future relationships difficult.
- Trauma Bonding: Some victims may develop a psychological attachment to their abuser, known as trauma bonding, where they feel unable to leave the relationship despite the damage it’s causing.
Living with a covert narcissist can leave long-lasting scars, as their manipulation is often subtle but deeply damaging.
Can Covert Narcissists Change?
A common question asked by those dealing with covert narcissists is whether they can change.
The short answer is: it’s complicated.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a deeply ingrained condition, and while it is possible for a narcissist to change, it is extremely rare without significant, long-term therapy.
Even then, change is only possible if the narcissist is truly motivated to do so, which is often not the case.
- Therapy: A narcissist must be willing to engage in therapy, such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), to address their behaviours and learn to empathise with others.
- Self-Awareness: Developing self-awareness is crucial for change, but many narcissists lack this capability or refuse to acknowledge their toxic behaviours.
For most people dealing with covert narcissists, the best course of action is to protect themselves by setting boundaries and limiting engagement.
